Fear

Yesterday, one of my worst fears was realized, only it wasn't by me but by another local mother. I do not know the mother personally, to be honest I don't even know her name, all I know is that she lived my worst nightmare and my heart broke into a million pieces for her and her loss.

At 2:30 yesterday, a soccer goal post fell on a little boy during recess and only hours later he was pronounced dead. This poor family woke up, most likely like any other day, got dressed and left for school and then the most tragic thing happened and this sweet child never came home again.

I have always had an intense fear of death and dying. Not necessarily my own death but losing those around me. When Jonathon leaves in the morning with Ava to take her to preschool I hold my breath and say a prayer that they return home to me safely. When I am not with Holden or even in the same room as him I worry that a freak accident will happen and something terrible will come to fruition. I check on my children at least 2 times a night (more with Holden because he actually still wakes up even more than twice) just to make sure they are okay. Is this a healthy way to live? Of course not. And while I would love to have every blog entry end with a "self-help, no-fail, solution" like the end to every episode of Full House or Saved by the Bell, I am afraid my desire to be more transparent as a "real" parent and person will leave this one unresolved.

I fear the worst and pray for the best but sometimes the fear is crippling and when tragedy strikes, like it did yesterday, it becomes heavily intensified. Because, even though it most likely won't happen and everyone will grow up healthy and happy and live long productive lives I can't help but worry because the reality is -- it does happen.

I don't think I can make my fears go away, the only thing I can really do is embrace every moment that I have with my family and work to live without regret -- a tall order I know. When Jonathon does something that irritates me, instead of snapping at him, I hold my impulsize tongue and think "would this be worth saying if this was the last thing I had the chance to tell him?" -- most of the time the answer is a big "NO!" except of course when he crunches his pretzels too loudly or shakes his Sprees in his hand over and over and over again before he tosses each, single, solitary little circle piece into his mouth --- those things just have to be brought to light.

And when Ava makes a giant pile of everything she can possibly pull out of her room in order to make her own home in the living room I try to just enjoy watching her create and be the little girl I love instead of feel frustration that the just cleaned room is now in a state of chaos. This is difficult at times because, since I don't want to say anything I might regret I also don't do a great job of disciplining. This means the "you can get it out as long as you put it away" rule almost always ends in "okay, well, if you just read a book to your brother I will clean it up."

Then there is Holden's sleep pattern or lack there of. I could easily be frustrated with the fact that I haven't slept for more than 5 straight hours in over a year and that it is actually more like every 3 hours... but I love and appreciate every extra hug and cuddle I get.. even into those wee hours of the night. Now, don't get me wrong, a few inappropriate words have been said and a tantrum or two have been thrown on my walk to his room at 2am but I have never left his bedside wishing I hadn't spent those few extra minutes with him.

I wish my fears were limited to the ones I had when I was 6. I wish my biggest concern was a monster in my closet or a scary creature that had taken up residence under my bed. Unfortunately I still have the big imagination I did when I was that age but now it is now filled with all the worst case scenarios of a much bigger, scary world with greater consequences than an eaten dolly.

My heart will continue to ache for the mother of the young boy that passed away yesterday. I can only thank God that Ava came home from school yesterday. That Jonathon made it home safely from work and that Holden only got a bruise or two instead of something worse when he fell from the second story of Barbie's mansion.

I plan to keep this post the last of the "less than light-hearted" but this was weighing heavy on my heart today so I decided to put it in my new shiny diary (blog).

Blogging Attempt #765

Ok. Deep Breath. Big Sigh. And Go….

I have always wanted to blog like the rest of my “big girl” friends but have never found enough willpower to do so. It is so much easier to just put a few pictures up on Facebook as a quick summary of our day. Some people are just more of a visual learner so I guess I just figured I was catering to that demographic instead of the “readers” – personal choice. Not because I am lazy.

I never even really kept a diary growing up. Don’t get me wrong I had plenty. They were so cute and the little lock was just too fun to unlock and relock. I could pretend I had a secret life. Only if you took the time to read it you would find a blank book with random sentences on random pages and lots of doodles. You kind of have to have something going on in your life in order to have something to write… and let’s just say I was pretty boring as a child… and teenager.

But now with two children…. Princess Ava and the Holden Factor… there is plenty going on so I guess I will let the people who are “readers” into my world.

I will start with yesterday as it is a typical, lovely, chaotic day for the Enderle Family. Ok. Deep Breath. Big Sigh. And Go…

Blogging Attempt # 765

It was a normal Monday. Holden had somehow gained enough tip to his tippy toes to reach into Ava’s Sea Monkey container and splash the poor shrimp like creatures all over the breakfast table. In need of a day out of the house we decided to make a quick trip to Tulsa to pick out stone for one of the houses Jonathon is building. It was an errand we had put off for too long so we decided we would make a day of it -- do a little shopping, nice dinner, the works.

Looking at stone took over an hour, which is about one hour longer than Ava and Holden had the patience for after the car ride there.

Finally off to the mall. Ava in the stroller because she said ‘her legs were just too tired from all that sitting’, and Holden in the Ergo. I loved baby wearing when my baby was the size of a baby, but now that he is officially the size of a man child and about half my height it looked odd and equally as uncomfortable for both of us. So, we took a little break and stepped into the Apple store to buy a new battery. While Jonathon stepped out to make a phone call I let the kids play games on the computers set up for the little ones. They both did great and we little sweethearts sitting at their own little iMac. I couldn’t have been more proud. I even overheard tons of “awe look how sweet they are” and “what smart, well-behaved children.” But we must remember we are talking about the Holden Factor here so things obviously had to take a quick turn for the messy.

When he stopped calmly moving the mouse from side to side and tapping lightly on the keyboard and started banging the mouse over his head onto the table I had to pull him away. Mistake #1. He lost it and threw a fit like I hadn’t seen. So, I reluctantly gave in and sat him next to his sister to watch her play Dora’s Birthday Party. Mistake #2. Ava is a great sharer and an amazing big sister, but get in the way of her game play and it isn’t pretty. She grabbed the mouse back from Holden’s little hands sending his mouth into the table. So, the fit he had just thrown – the one that was the worst I had ever seen – was quickly upgraded to the new “worst fit ever seen.” Full blown screaming in the middle of the packed Apple store. When Jonathon made it back in he was probably hesitant to claim us as his family and I am sure I saw him tempted to keep walking past – I would have.

I stopped caring about the condition of the mouse and sat Holden back down at the computer to do as he pleased so I could finish my purchase, when the calm, shy sales rep got my attention and said:

“Umm… your son has a little… ummm”

“Yeah, his nose is a little runny, let me get a wipe.” I said reaching for his bag.

“Umm… no… umm he is bleeding.”

Ahhhh. I looked down to find globs of blood pouring from his little mouth onto the keyboard as everyone watched. I grabbed him and ran to the bathroom leaving Jonathon to Purell the table.

I didn’t lock the bathroom door because I was just going to wipe him off. Mistake #3 or maybe it is now technically 4. A large man in a big hurry to actually use the restroom (must have just eaten at Papa Chicken in the food court) pushed the door as hard as he could sending me and Holdee into the wall. Nice.

I was no longer in the mood to shop so we decided to grab a bite to eat and then stop at Target for Tylenol and milk for the long ride home.

After making it back to the car we realized we didn’t have cash for the toll (we had already counted every penny to get through the toll – didn’t realize it was $2.50 instead of $2.25 -- now I know) So, Jonathon braved the cold night air one more time to go in for cash. I was sitting in the back seat and needed to grab something out of the front… when Mistake # let’s just say 100 by now because I spared you the details of dinner where there were at least 95…

I unlocked the door and opened it when…. Cue the loud screeches.. the car alarm went off. Holden thought it was funny and Ava clung to her ears and yelled “what is that noise.” I looked out of the back window, trapped in my own car, for any sign of Jonathon. Instead we got the attention of the night security guard who I watched in slow motion, or maybe he was just walking super slow, heading toward the scene of the crime. Seriously? I am about to have to explain this… ugh. Then like a knight in shining armor who rescues the princess at freakishly just the right moment before she dies or marries the mean guy, Jonathon stuck his head and hand out the sliding glass door and turned off the alarm. The guard stopped in his tracks and turned around. Disaster averted.

So, a few dozen sea monkey casualties, a few freak outs, a bloody lip at the Apple Store, and almost being arrested for Grand Theft Auto (okay maybe that is a bit of an overstatement) the day was ready to come to a close. Sine it was already past bedtime, Princess Ava and the Holden Factor dozed off into dreamland leaving Jonathon and I to reminisce. Even though the day had been a challenge we couldn’t come up with a time in our lives when we were happier than we are right now.

As I write this, Jonathon is picking Ava up from preschool and Holden is on the floor by my feet eating a slice of apple. Even though I sometimes wish I had a few more freedoms I miss my children terribly even when I am away from them for a few hours. There will be plenty of time to be bored when I am older so for now I will embrace every hug and “I love you” and take the challenge of Mommyhood head on!